We've all caused harm. That's part of being human. And most of us feel regret or sadness or shame at some point about those harms. Some of us might think we are bad people because of things we've done. Some of us may struggle to forgive ourselves.
How do we live with the things we've done? How do we forgive? How do we move forward with the past?
To me, forgiveness implies acceptance. It means embracing our experience -- even the painful parts. But it also means action. It is a process; it involves moving forward as we reckon with the past.
At the end of the day, we have to be able to live with ourselves. And for many of us, that means living with a story of ourselves. That story changes; it evolves; it is influenced by countless factors, internal and external.
How we create our story is, for many of us, part of the healing journey. We somehow need to tell a story that embraces the harm we've caused and the positive actions we've taken.
We need to create a narrative that gives meaning to the harm we've done or experienced; to embrace trauma within a larger individual and collective context.
For many of us, this story will involve causal and contextual factors. It may involve collective stories as well as individual. For example, someone might recognize that the effects of racism and colonization have been passed down to them through generations and that there are things they can do now to heal and resist those forces. This might also involve rejecting narratives that have been forced upon us.
Someone who became involved in violence and crime as a youth might recognize that they did so in part to cope with family trauma or abuse; then they might feel compassion for a younger them.
These realizations help us understand that we are human; that we don't bear the full burden of our actions; that there are cascades of harm that ripple throughout time and space.
But at some point, we need to reconcile the facts that (a) there are causal factors that affected our actions and so we're not entirely responsible as individuals, and (b) we have some free will and we are responsible as individuals for our actions.
If we don't recognize our own power and autonomy, then we lose meaning and agency. But if we do recognize our power and autonomy, we have to be accountable for that. That's one paradox of this situation. And that's where story comes in.
Story can help us to harmonize the harms we've caused, the pain we've felt, the support we've given, the healing we've done, and the future we're heading toward. Story can harmonize the fact that we are simultaneously good and evil.
This story-making doesn't have to happen through talk therapy or a biopic. It doesn't have to be linear, or even verbal. It could be sculpting or painting or movement or music.
Story-making can help us forgive ourselves and others so that we can accept and live with reality. It can help us give meaning to trauma and place it within a collective context in which we feel connected to ourselves and others.
And it's never really finished. New experiences, perspectives, and information will always be there, encouraging us to continue shaping our stories.
